Most of my life, I avoided difficult, uncomfortable conversations.  I grew up learning that lots of topics are not okay to discuss.  By the time I was 7, I learned it’s best to avoid talking about: religion, politics, money, death and dying, and sad news (for instance, a broken engagement) … just to name a few.  As a little girl, I  distinctly remember going to the nursing home to visit my Great Aunt Winnie and my mom prepped us in the car on the way: don’t talk about this, don’t talk about that, don’t ask about this, don’t ask about that … and for the love of God don’t eat anything she offers you to eat!  I remember standing against the wall with my hands behind my back the entire visit, not daring to say a word for fear I’d say the wrong thing.  Just before we left, Aunt Winnie asked if any of us would like a drink – offering a dixie cup filled with something pretty and pink.  I was about to say “yes, please,” as my mom quickly answered “no, thank you” before saying our goodbyes and escorting us out of the room.  I found out when we were back at the car that Aunt Winnie was offering us her medicine, and I definitely wouldn’t have wanted that!  Mom was trying to protect me and my sisters, and she was trying to protect Great Aunt Winnie’s feelings from being hurt by seven year old curiosity.  She had everyone’s best interests at heart.  Looking back now, I realize we probably should’ve stayed home with a babysitter.  It felt very stilted and awkward and there was so much focus on what NOT to say, that I couldn’t remember what TO say, which set everyone up for an awkward visit.

Lots of us in uncomfortable situations can feel tongue tied and not want to say the wrong thing, so we choose to say nothing at all when someone we love is hurting.  That’s a shame because people miss out on feeling supported when they most need it.  I want to make it really simple for you to remember what’s helpful and supportive to say to someone in a painful situation, and what’s not.  It’s not complicated, and will help you to get your best intentions across. 

First, although there are over 300 human emotions, they all boil down to two: potentially positive emotions or potentially painful emotions.  Notice, I didn’t call them negative emotions, which might lead you to think of them as “bad” feelings that are best avoided.  Often when we think of emotions as negative, we believe we have to drum up positive emotions, that we judge as better.  Both positive and painful emotions provide information, and both require our attention.  Sometimes, we feel mixed emotions, requiring deeper, more thoughtful reflection so we can unravel our emotions and ensure nothing gets buried or overlooked.  Imagine the mixed emotions, for example, of someone grieving the loss of a parent while welcoming a grandchild into the world; or for someone getting ready to move across the nation to live closer to family, while dealing with the disappointment of not getting the dream job offer.  Mixed emotions in this time of COVID and recent current events have us experiencing mixed emotions that are hard to identify.  While I believe in naming emotions specifically is best practice, if you’re at a loss to specifically name what you’re feeling, simply knowing if it’s painful or positive is a good start! 

Second, in terms of knowing what to say to someone in crisis or grief, I find Susan Silk’s and Barry Goldman’s Ring Theory helpful.  Their theory uses concentric circles to help you determine the “kvetching” order … a Yiddish term that means complaining and moaning about something … to help you understand how to respond to someone in a crisis, so you can respond with compassion and not make them free worse.  Grab yourself a piece of paper and pencil to draw your own bullseye diagram, similar to the one pictured below.  Now decide, who’s at the center of the crisis, and who’s in each concentric circle. The center circle is the person who’s in crisis.  They may have received a diagnosis or they may be grieving the death of a loved one, a divorce, or any kind of loss.  The next circle around the person in crisis is their significant other if they have one, and their immediate family.   Next comes their nearest and dearest extended family and friends.  The last ring is populated with co-workers, colleagues and acquaintances.  Outside the bullseye is everyone else. So, the most important thing for YOU to know with this Ring Theory is who is in the center, and where you fall in relation to the center.  This takes some honest reflection on your part.  Be discerning. 

Once you know your position in the circle, this is the only thing you have to remember: Comfort in, Dump out.  In practical terms, comfort in requires understanding that people in the center and inner circles get comfort from you.  Nothing but comfort.  Isn’t that a relief?  Simply remembering they’re experiencing potentially painful emotions and providing comfort is what you get to do.  Sometimes comfort involves words, but not always.  Now, think about Dump out … the person in the center can dump out to anyone, in any ring.  They get permission to cry, complain, express their discouragement, or whatever they’re feeling because they’re in crisis and this is their bid for comfort.  People in each concentric circle can only dump out.  Why?  Because the person who is in crisis, and those closest to them, don’t need any more burden placed on them.  If their situation is hard for you, don’t make it about you.  Seek out someone in your own circle or an outer circle to share your struggle with, so that you can pour comfort in.  When my mom was dying of cancer 20+ years ago, I remember one of her friends paid a visit a few days before she died.  As she was leaving, her eyes welled up with tears, and she told me that seeing my mom was so traumatic that she was relieved her husband died suddenly. It would have been too much for her, she said, to see him suffer like my mom.  I was so shocked that I stood there speechless!  What she said may have been true, but I realize now she was dumping in.  I didn’t need to hear how traumatic my mom’s condition was for her … I needed comfort.  She picked the wrong person to share her burden, and that stuck with me for years.  Comfort in, Dump out. 

In preparation for this article, I polled the members of one of my online grief groups and asked  them “What is the MOST comforting thing anyone has said to you while grieving, and what is the LEAST comforting thing someone has said?”  Interestingly, sometimes the LEAST comforting things said to one person, provided comfort for another.  It’s hard to know why, but it could have something to do with the tone with which it was delivered, the person who delivered it, or how the griever was feeling the day they heard it.  That said, there were also some awful things said.  While I won’t get into too many “don’ts” below are five things that grievers described as hurtful, and are best avoided.

1)    Assuming you know how they feel.  Saying “I know how you feel” is simply untrue.  You don’t know. Even if you both lost a spouse, or you both had a miscarriage, or you both got divorced, you don’t know how the other person feels, except that they feel potentially painful emotions, and could use comfort.  Relationships are complicated; feelings are complicated.  It’s more supportive to say, “I don’t know how you feel, but I’m here to help however I can.”

2)    Viewing their grief as a sign of brokenness.  Grief is a natural process signifying that love is lost and a relationship has ended as someone knows it for now.  Grievers don’t need to be fixed, so advice or “cheering up” isn’t required …. unless they specifically ask.

3)    Comparing losses.  Someone who lost their spouse, parent or child doesn’t want to hear about your uncle or dog dying.  They especially don’t want to hear about your pet dying.  Loss is loss, and losing a pet can be painful, but it’s nothing like losing a human being who is part of your everyday life.  While you’re making comparisons, you’re thinking of yourself, not the griever, so they feel alone in their grief instead of comforted.  Likewise, if you’ve never experienced a significant loss yourself, it’s not helpful to compare someone else’s grief that you observed. Try instead, “I wish I had the right words.  I care about you.”

4)    Responding to emotional honesty with rational truth.  Listen when someone in crisis speaks.  If they share facts and are speaking from the head, you know it’s an intellectual conversation and can respond from your head.  If they’re sharing their feelings and are speaking from the heart, they’re being vulnerable, and you respond in kind … from the heart, with empathy.  A heart to heart conversation creates connection, as does a head to head conversation.  Head to heart conversations are a total miss for the person who just shared vulnerably. 

5)    Dumping IN.  Remember and practice using the Ring Theory. When someone is in crisis, please don’t add your burden to theirs.  If you’re very upset and need comfort, find someone in your circle or outside your circle to comfort you.  The person in crisis and those closest to them shouldn’t feel like they have to be strong for others.  A warm hug and even your silent presence can bring so much comfort to a griever.

Understanding these principles can help you navigate any uncomfortable conversation, whether it’s about grief, loss, death or dying, even uncomfortable conversations about the civil unrest we’re experiencing in the world today.  Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable, listening more than you speak, and being self- aware are radically important to making people feel seen, understood, and supported.  

If you know someone who’s grieving and want to support them better, I hope you found this helpful.  If you’re grieving or in crisis, and someone you love and care about has missed your heart, forward them this blog to help them understand the Ring Theory.  As hard as it can be when someone misses your heart, give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they’re doing the best they can to support you.  When they miss your heart, it’s okay to let them know, and help them understand what you need so they can support you better.

Want to hear more about connecting heart to heart, including the MOST comforting things people heard while grieving?  Check back next week when I deep dive into what comfort really looks and sounds like.