I’ve been struggling to put words on paper in this season of life, which is full of transitions and uncertainties. All the accompanying emotions are hard to articulate. I feel like I’m on a roller coaster ride that I’d like to stop so I can get off and watch from a comfortable distance. The jumble of emotions feels conflictual, chaotic, all too much and not nearly enough all at once. The very high highs and very low lows are appropriate responses to the circumstances perhaps, but they’re uncomfortable. I like my emotions to be stable. Even Steven. Predictable. Controlled.
The problem is, life isn’t in my control, or yours either for that matter. Big life transitions, and work and health challenges are guaranteed for all of us. What is in my control is how I choose to respond to everything that’s happening. I can embrace the highs and lows and allow myself to experience my emotions as they bubble up; or I can retreat to my comfort zone, stuff the emotions and choose stability because I prefer the illusion of being in control. The latter option is very familiar for me, because it’s been the path I’ve chosen for most of my life. A few years ago, I decided to stop numbing uncomfortable feelings, and decided that I would no longer:
throw myself into busy-ness to take my mind off hard things; I’d learn instead to be still and listen to my soul when it called out for attention.
escape into books or movies with the sole aim of distracting myself from my own feelings in exchange for a fictional character’s, even if only for a couple of hours.
shop online, drink wine or eat chocolate covered almonds to self-soothe, recognizing these solutions were too short lived and the consequences weren’t worth the money, the headache, or the calories.
Allowing myself to awaken to my feelings back then was uncomfortable but I felt more alive than I had in a long time. Even though the painful feelings were, well … painful, when I stopped numbing them, I experienced deeper connection with myself and others, shared more belly laughter and deep joy. Genuine peace became a reality when I no longer put on a happy face because I felt I “should.” I liked this new way of living and feeling so much that I promised myself I’d never go back to numbing.
The thing is, in spite of my best intentions, when stress mounts, it’s a natural response to revert to old coping mechanisms. Even though I’ve learned numbing isn’t effective or long lasting, it’s familiar and feels comfortable just the same … until suddenly, it doesn’t. The reminder that disconnecting from my own emotions leaves me disconnected from others jars me back to reality, but not before I’ve missed a chance to bond with people I care about. This weekend my son called me out when he related a story to me and my response was anything but empathetic. We had a total miss and it made me sad. Ouch. Parenting is humbling and has kept me on a growth trajectory for 21 years and counting. Seeking healing for our pain helps bring healing to others. As Father Richard Rohr says, “If we don’t transform our pain, we will most assuredly transmit it – usually to those closest to us: our family, our co-workers, and invariably, the most vulnerable, our children.”
Empathy and compassion can be learned. Thank God for that! We all want to be more empathetic and compassionate, right? When someone close to me is struggling, I know I want to be there for them, to be a source of comfort and help. It’s funny though, when I find myself struggling, I’m the first to wave it off and discount what I’m going through.
Am I unique or do you do the same? When you’re struggling, do you tell yourself to “buck up,” “be strong” or “get over it”? Maybe you compare your struggles to someone else’s, reminding yourself “things could be worse.” In her book Defiant Joy, Stasi Eldredge points out that diminishing your own pain, and telling yourself someone else has it worse than you isn’t comforting or compassionate, and leaves you feeling shame and guilt. These feelings don’t mix well with the painful emotions you’re already feeling; they only make you feel worse. Denying your own emotions damages your soul and prevents you from showing up for others in theirs.
“When I don’t have compassion for myself in my own trials, my compassion for others also goes down; both for those whose sorrow I’ve known in part, and for those I have not.”
~ Stasi Eldredge
I’m reminded as I’m reading Eldredge’s book that pain is pain. Naming what you feel and allowing yourself to experience it is prerequisite to getting through it and healing from it. She reminds me that it’s possible to experience joy, sometimes at the very same time as painful emotions, and certainly on the other side of pain. I know it seems strange, but it IS true we can experience conflicting emotions simultaneously. I’m challenged in this season of my life to let myself experience ALL my feelings without numbing any of them. I want to be present for my loved ones in their struggles, and I also don’t want to miss out on any joy. So, if that means moving beyond my comfort zone and entering into the pain, then I’m willing to stretch myself to maintain connection and love others well.
I’m still learning where this is concerned, and I’m only a couple chapters into Eldredge’s book, but I’ve already been reminded of a few things I’ve learned through the years. Since sharing them with you helps cement them for me, I’m sharing below if you’re interested.
1) You can’t numb feelings selectively. If you numb painful feelings, you also numb positive ones. Allowing yourself to name and experience whatever you’re feeling makes you human. If pain and joy are at opposite ends of the spectrum, then allowing yourself to experience pain allows you to experience joy on a very deep level, too.
2) You can’t give what you don’t have. Not showing up compassionately for yourself means you can’t show up compassionately for others in their pain. Which will you choose? Staying in your comfort zone and remaining disconnected from yourself and others? Or growing in emotional capacity, which though painful, creates connection, compassion and empathy?
3) You’re never alone in your emotional experience. Romans 12:15 encourages us to “rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.” Rather than isolate yourself, reach out to compassionate friends and invite them to share your joy and divide your sorrow. That’s one of the joys of friendship and draws people closer in good times and bad.
4) Invite God into the confusion and mess. Some days your feelings may feel too heavy for you, and you may convince yourself they’re too much for your friends … but they’re never too heavy for God, who created you to experience all the emotions from one end of the spectrum to the other.
5) Seek help if you need it. A therapist or life coach is equipped to help you grow in emotional intelligence. If you’d like to raise your EQ, reduce stress and focus your time and energy so you can create the peaceful, purposeful and impactful life you desire, contact me to book a complimentary coaching consultation. It’ll give us a chance to see if my coaching is compatible with your needs.
