Of all emotions, disappointment has been the hardest one for me to identify in my life, time after time. Disappointment sounds weak to me. It feels messy, and confusing. The mental and emotional gymnastics I’ve gone through in order to avoid naming and experiencing my disappointment is laughable. Historically, when I’m disappointed, before I let it register, I immediately look for the silver lining, or reframe and rename my feelings. Many times I hadn’t admitted to my own self how much I wanted something, so there’s guilt, as I wonder if I have a right to feel disappointed about something so abstract.
I’ve had such a hard time coming to grips with my own disappointment, that I haven’t been much comfort to other people in theirs. My poor kiddos! “Oh, no, darlin’ … don’t be disappointed!” “Look at all these other opportunities available to you!” Perhaps somewhere in my past, disappointment was taken as a lack of gratitude, so I learned to silence it. Since I consider myself a grateful person by nature, admitting disappointment seems totally out of alignment with who I am. But we all struggle with disappointment, and if we can’t (or won’t) name it, it tends to linger until we do.
A few years ago, I was experiencing huge emotional turmoil, and felt pretty down, but I wouldn’t say “sad” was the primary emotion. It felt more like sadness on steroids, with a little resentment mixed in, and I couldn’t put my finger on the cause. I could sort of ignore my feelings when I kept myself busy, but when I was alone and trying to unplug, I felt a deep void. I had a lot to be grateful for in my life, but my heart felt heavy, and something was out of sync. The way I was feeling didn’t match how I thought I “should” be feeling as I took stock of my life. I’d been praying about it for some time, without any revelations. One night, at around 3 am, I woke up and the word “disappointment” was floating around in my mind. I thought to myself, “Disappointment? What do I have to be disappointed about?”
Almost like a movie reel, several memories flashed through my mind, highlighting quite a few disappointments that I’d had and swept under the rug. Some hopes and dreams that didn’t come to fruition, expectations that weren’t met, opportunities that passed me by had all stacked up, and now they weighed me down. Disappointment is weighty. It felt good to have a name for what I was feeling after grappling with it all this time. I drifted back to sleep and when I woke up the next morning, I spent some time reflecting and journaling.
The thing about emotions is that when we try to bury them, we bury them alive, and then they bubble up when we least expect it. For me, disappointment felt crummy. Topping it off with resentment and a desire to assign blame for what I felt, felt even crummier. I was plagued by thoughts that I didn’t “deserve” my hopes and dreams, and that “this is as good as it gets.” As I reflected, I realized I had never even “put myself out there” for some of the opportunities that had now passed me by. With that being the case, it seemed inappropriate to re-hash it now. So I stayed silent. A vicious and draining cycle of crummy feelings piled up with silence on top, guilt and blame sprinkled in, and none of that lined up with who I wanted to be. The stunner? Once I identified the emotion for what it was, disappointment, and took stock of the causes, it made perfect sense to me that I’d feel the way I was feeling. Almost as soon as I came to that conclusion, it lost its hold on me, and hope started to return. My perspective broadened, and I was able to consider what opportunities became possible precisely because other opportunities had passed.
So, what are some strategies for dealing with disappointment (or any painful feeling, really)?
1) Name it, and allow yourself to fully experience it. It’s okay to be disappointed. Martin Luther King Jr once said “There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love.” If we’re never disappointed it means we’re living small (too much in our comfort zone) and without passion. Don’t wallow in it and ruminate on what could have been, but accept your feelings as a normal and healthy part of a wholehearted life. In whatever way that your hopes and expectations didn’t become reality, there’s a natural sense of disappointment and loss that is very real. There’s no need to brush feelings under the rug or rationalize them away.
2) Create the time and space you need to process your feelings. Some disappointments are small and annoying; others are grander scale and life changing. If you’re like me and you’ve allowed a bunch of large and small disappointments stack up, it might take awhile to unravel. Giving yourself that time and allowing the process to take place creates a new spaciousness in your mind and heart. That can’t happen when you try to speed up the process or skip it altogether. Be as gracious to yourself as you would be to a friend in the same boat. What are your favorite self-soothing techniques? Prayer and meditation? Journaling? Listening to music? Escaping in a book or a movie? Taking a bath? Going for a walk in nature? Spending time with friends? Do that! Holding space for yourself is an important step in the process.
3) Get a new perspective. Once you’ve allowed yourself the time and space to acknowledge and experience the pain of disappointment, ask yourself “How do I want to grow from here?” Are there some strategies that might serve you better next time around? Don’t concern yourself with what others think. Surround yourself with supportive people who believe in you, and keep believing in yourself!
4) Finally, take a moment to envision new possibilities. What does your current reality now make space for in your life? What do you want, and how can you go about getting it? Say it out loud to yourself and others and start planning! Go for it!
One thing I’ve learned is that disappointment and painful emotions are part of the human experience. Trying to numb or avoid them not only doesn’t work, but it also limits our capacity for experiencing what we do want – more peace, joy, hope and belief. We sometimes forget that numbing our painful emotions automatically numbs all emotions, including the positive ones. Learning to embrace and be present with my emotions, both the painful and the positive ones, has allowed me to feel fully alive and fully available with others in their challenges and celebrations.
What might be possible for you if you acknowledged your disappointments?
