Somewhere around our 18th wedding anniversary I noticed that my husband and I had lost the spark that first brought us together. Our busy family life and the demands of his career took priority even though our marriage screamed for attention. To an outsider, things may have looked pretty solid. We were always smiling, had achieved lots of goals in terms of career and travel, had great kids and a beautiful home, belonging in our community and church with caring and supportive friends. But we ignored the subtle yet obvious signs that our marriage was no longer thriving. We took each other for granted, and assumed that eventually life would slow down enough for us to (finally) have time to focus on us.
We both had enormous unspoken expectations of each other, and we were in fault finding mode most of the time. There was a lot we didn’t like about each other, even though we still loved each other as much as ever. Both of us were sure that our marriage would be better if only the other one was willing change.
One day, we were fighting about something I don’t remember, but I’ll never forget the vein popping out of my normally laid back husband’s neck as he accused me of being “the most un-self-aware person he had ever met.” I tossed my hair back and said, “Thank you.” I knew he wasn’t paying me a compliment. But I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of admitting that I had no idea what he was talking about. My view was that I felt unappreciated and misunderstood. When, in the midst of our frenetic lives — moving 13 times in 18 years — had I ever had the luxury of becoming self-aware? I was instead “other-aware,” focused on taking care of the needs of our family, and I seemed to be doing a pretty good job of that. Doesn’t that trump self-awareness?
Soon after he planted that seed, though, I became so fed up with the status quo in our marriage that I embarked on a journey to grow in self awareness. I didn’t know where to start, so with the help of a marriage and family therapist, I started with myself. I quit my wine habit and started allowing myself to experience the emotions I had numbed for too long. I learned to name them and found that the anger that I so easily expressed was masking hurt, disappointment and unforgiveness. I let go of resentment as I chose forgiveness, and I faced up to hurts I had caused, learning to apologize properly.
You can’t numb painful emotions and continue to experience positive emotions. When you numb one, you numb them all. I felt more alive as I experienced a whole range of emotions. The painful ones were hard, but I felt joy and deep gratitude return.
After a few weeks, my husband was curious enough to join me for couples therapy. At first, he had a hidden agenda to encourage me to continue with therapy, thinking that I needed a lot of help. I didn’t mind. I wanted us to grow together. If believing therapy was for my benefit motivated him to come with me, then so be it. Gradually, he learned that trying to change me was a frustrating dead end, but changing himself was totally in his control.
Once we were both committed to improving ourselves instead of each other, we made real progress in our marriage, and it happened more quickly than I thought it would. Our decisions to stop blaming and start taking responsibility for our own growth and development was a turning point — the beginning of a series of small changes that stacked up and collectively transformed our marriage. We were stronger and more unified as a couple, and so much happier with a shared vision and mission for our marriage and family. We learned that having a good marriage, like any relationship, is a process, and requires us to always be growing and investing in our individual selves and each other. The last five years of marriage have been our best. I’m so grateful we didn’t settle for surviving and pursued a marriage that’s thriving.
In our quest for a healthy relationship, we discovered several myths about marriage. Below are some of the biggest ones we uncovered.
Myth # 1: It takes two to make a marriage stronger.
Truth: If one person is willing to change, it will transform the relationship. We wasted so much energy over the years trying to control and change each other, but once we learned to focus on ourselves, we changed the trajectory of our marriage. I started therapy, my husband saw progress, and it piqued his curiosity. He was willing to join me because I wasn’t pressuring him to change. I was taking responsibility for my own growth, and he took responsibility for his.
Myth #2: Marriage is all about compromise.
Truth: Marriage is more often about cooperation than compromise. Aiming to compromise kept us focused on ourselves and wanting to be the “winner.” Aiming for cooperation keeps the focus on us and reminds us we’re on the same team. The end result of working with each other to solve problems and issues is that neither of us feels like we drew the short straw or lost the negotiation. We feel connected to each other and supported.
Myth #3: Marriage is 50/50
Truth: Marriage requires both partners to be all in, both giving all they have: 100-percent. The 50/50 mentality reflects a score-keeping mindset that can be destructive and divisive and is bound to create unhappiness. Your 100-percent contributions will ebb and flow over time: one or the other of you might be sleep deprived, sick, grieving, or swamped at work, and the other person’s 100 percent can carry the both of you through a day, a week, or a season. But when each person brings 100 percent of what they have to the relationship, trust and connection grows, and score keeping is irrelevant.
Myth #4: My spouse is “my better half.”
Truth: The idea of marriage is to complement each other, not complete each other. Expecting someone else to fill a void in your soul not only leads to disappointment, it drains the life from your relationship in no time. You are complete all by yourself and you don’t need a “better half” to complete you. Nurture your whole self (body, mind, soul and spirit) and bring your whole healthy being to your relationships. To that end, maintain a variety of thriving friendships. One person can’t meet every need, and it’s unreasonable to expect your spouse to do that for you. If you feel incomplete or find it hard to figure out where you end and another person begins, some helpful resources include Codependent No More by Melody Beattie or Boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud.
Myth #5: Don’t air your dirty laundry in public.
Truth: Healthy marriages grow in a healthy community. Isolating yourselves when you need help and support causes more harm than good. It’s common sense not to vent on social media or to anyone who will listen, but every couple needs close friends to share their struggles and help process hard stuff. We’d often get in fights before going out with friends and our first inclination was to cancel because we wouldn’t be good company, or to go and pretend everything was okay when it wasn’t. Daring to take off the mask with our good friends allowed us get their fresh perspective. Problems in relationships are pretty universal and we can learn from each other. Not once did any of our friends say “poor you.” They always said, “us too” and our friendships deepened through sharing our struggles and pursuing growth together.
Myth #6: Marriage therapy is for couples in real trouble.
Truth: Marriage therapy makes strong marriages stronger, and also helps when you’re in real trouble. In retrospect, we wished we had started marriage therapy so much sooner! Sometimes you don’t know what you don’t know, and therapists help you discover potential landmines before they go off.
Myth #7: Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.
Truth: This is an often misquoted verse of the bible. The key is to not let anger turn into resentment and unforgiveness. If you’re fighting late at night and already tired, you’re unlikely to resolve the issue as it gets even later, and you both grow more tired. Our wise pastor told us that difficult conversations become more difficult after 10 pm. Decide in advance that if it’s late at night and you’re angry or hurt, you’ll agree to sleep on it and resolve the issue in the morning.
Many of us have been misguided by these myths. The good thing is, it’s never too late to work on improving your marriage!. For futher reading, link here to my article Seven Ways to Enrich Your Marriage. Meanwhile, if you want to be the one to begin raising your game to improve your marriage and relationships, book a complimentary coaching consultation with me to see if my expertise fits with your needs!
