I previously shared seven myths about marriage that my husband and I discovered over the years. Like every marriage, ours has had some ups and downs, some good times and bad, and I’d like to share some of the lessons we’ve learned through the years. We were married 18 years before we started practicing some of these principles. Now, we can attest that it’s never too late to start improving your relationship. The last six years have been the happiest and richest years of our marriage without a doubt, and we’ll be celebrating our 25th anniversary this summer!
1) Encourage one another daily. I’m curious …. what did you love most about your spouse when you first fell in love? What drives you most crazy about your spouse now?
Often, the answer to those two questions is the same. What you find so charming in the beginning of your relationship might drive you crazy several years later. You’d never believe it in those blissful early days of your relationship when you’d easily look past your partner’s flaws. You focused on their strengths instead, expressing verbal appreciation and admiration for them easily and often. Somewhere along the line, maybe in the name of efficiency, you start noticing and calling out what’s wrong, or what needs to change or improve. Sooner or later, you both start to feel judged and criticized more than affirmed and respected. Compliments and encouragement become the exception rather than the norm as you both assume the other knows how you feel. Meanwhile, you both feel offended or hurt quite frequently. It’s a draining cycle for everyone! I know because we were in that cycle for longer than I like to admit. It’s very refreshing to switch gears!
We live in a harsh world. Everyday we are bombarded with messages telling us we’re not enough or that we don’t have what it takes. Everyone longs to hear encouraging and affirming words from the people they love. A wise friend once told me that she’d rather be the President her husband’s Fan Club than his biggest critic. That really resonated with me. Once I started thinking of myself as his biggest fan, it was easier to focus on strengths rather than flaws, and to encourage rather than criticize. We had a lot less friction, and our home and relationship provided more safety and security.
2) Cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Everyone likes to be appreciated, and we all need to hear words of appreciation regularly as well. All too quickly, we can start to take each other for granted and forget to say thank you. A marriage based on expectations and entitlement, without gratitude, feels empty and transactional. Marriage requires giving 100 percent and being able to receive with gratitude. Show gratitude to your spouse for small and big things, just as you would an acquaintance.
3) Identify and ask for what you need. We all have relational needs and it’s your job to be able to identify and ask for what you need in your relationships. Your spouse can’t read your mind, and it’s not fair to keep them guessing. Unmet needs in relationships creates disconnection and can lead to resentment. What do you need most in your relationship? Comfort? Respect? Acceptance? Security? Approval? Encouragement? Support? Affection? Once you figure out and ask for what you need, you’ll feel closer, build trust, and strengthen your relationship.
Early in our marriage, my husband’s silence when we were having a conflict made me feel so unsettled. He needed time to think things over, which is totally legitimate. It took me years to realize that his silence reminded me of my mother’s silence when she was upset with me as a child. His silence brought me right back to my seven year old self when I met with my mother’s disapproval. I longed for security that came through close communication, and his silence undermined that sense of security and connection. Once I understood what was happening and explained it to him, we communicated differently in conflict. Whenever he needed time to think things over, he’d say so, and we’d agree on a time to come back to the topic. I felt secure knowing that we could finish the conversation later, and I didn’t have to second guess his silence any more as I grew in trust.
4) Commit to dealing with your own “stuff.” Have you ever found yourself blowing up over littlest thing, even though you know it’s totally irrational? Your buttons got pushed and now you’re steaming? Well … if you’re like most people, you tend to blame the other person for your blow ups, assuming they push your buttons intentionally. A marriage counselor once explained that when I experience a five thousand dollar reaction to a fifty cent infraction, my reaction has very little to do with the other person, and everything to do with something going on deep inside of me. Recognizing and removing those buttons so they aren’t there to push in the first place is time well invested. Imagine what it’d be like to be unoffendable!
Next time your buttons are pushed and you feel yourself steaming, ask yourself, what’s really going on with me here? Get help working through it if necessary and you won’t be coming back to the same fight over and over again.
5) “Seek peace and pursue it.” Several years ago I read this verse in Psalm 34 and realized I didn’t so much seek peace as I tried to avoid conflict. I recognized that not all conflict is bad, and sometimes getting to a place of peace requires having difficult conversations to work through hard stuff. That requires entering into conflict to get through it … to other side where true peace resides. Sweeping emotions and hard conversations under the rug doesn’t work long term, and creates an illusion of peace. Have the courage to work through hard stuff, so you can get to the point of genuine forgiveness that’s lasting. Trust that the peace that results from working through conflict, rather than avoiding it, is worth it!
6) Self-reliance blocks intimacy and connection. When two very capable and independent people get married, there’s a lot to learn. It took me awhile to figure out that just because I can be independent and self-reliant doesn’t mean it’s best to be. The point of marriage is to complement each other. Some days we both could be so independent and self-reliant that we were operating like we were single even though we were married. It felt lonely. Recognizing that we can be better together, by being less independent and self-reliant, we’ve created many more opportunities to connect and flourish as a couple.
7) Pursue growth in your own life. Early in my marriage I focused on growing together and establishing us as a couple. Once we had kids, our focus was all on them. Somewhere along the line, I made a habit of putting everyone else’s needs before my own and I stopped pursuing my own growth. Eventually, as the kids grew up and didn’t need as much from me, I realized I lost my sense of purpose and felt “stuck.”
Personal development is an innate need for all human beings. We are designed to be constantly growing and evolving. If we’re not growing, we start withering and dying like unwatered plants. Growing together as a couple is important, but so is growing individually as a person. Whether it’s taking a class, reading a book, listening to a podcast, picking up a new sport, learning an instrument, training for a new career, or any myriad of growth opportunities available to you, investing in your own personal growth benefits you and your whole family. One of the most valuable things that happened when I started investing in my own growth is that I stopped trying to control and change my husband and family. I finally realized that I can’t control anyone, except me, myself, and I. Learning that reduced so much unnecessary frustration and stress in my life!
My husband and I still have plenty to learn … marriage is never perfect. I love that now we’re willing to learn from each other and from others. I’d love to hear from you below! What lesson(s) have you learned in your marriage that you wish you’d known earlier?
If you’re seeking personal growth and development to enrich your life and relationships, working with me as your coach can help you begin to live the life you envision! Schedule a free phone call with me to see if my expertise fits your needs!
