In February, my husband and I enrolled in a class for middle school and high school parents called “Cultivating a Growth Mindset in Your Child.” As a life coach and fan of Carol Dweck’s Mindset, I was curious, “How can parents create a growth mindset in their kids unless they have one themselves?” Dweck teaches that the opposite of a growth mindset is a scarcity (or fixed) mindset. If you have a scarcity mindset, you can learn to adopt a growth mindset, but you can’t instill a growth mindset in others until you actually have one. Why? Because, as the saying goes … you can’t give what you don’t have. Well of course, that was exactly the focus of the first lesson … discovering our own default mindsets, and growing in awareness so we could create the results we say we want for our kids. In other words, developing a growth mindset for ourselves is required before we can pass one on to others.
A scarcity mindset says that things are fixed; they are the way they are — predetermined and set in stone. The belief is: intelligence, abilities, and character are innate. I’m smart (or dumb). I’m successful (or a failure). I’m worthy (or not enough). I’m good at something (or I’m not), so there’s no point in striving for improvement. If they’re not naturally good at something, people with this mindset get frustrated and give up, focusing instead on what comes naturally to them, and sticking to what they know. They’re driven to prove their worth through performance, perfectionism and people pleasing. People with fixed mindsets tend to “opt out” rather than attempting something and “failing,” for fear of proving to others that they don’t have what it takes.
In contrast, a growth mindset understands that effort sets people apart. A growth mindset says: I’m a learner. I like trying new things. I get better with practice. I like solving problems – the harder, the better. The growth mindset enjoys the process of becoming. They enjoy learning for the sake of learning. People with growth mindsets take more risks and continue trying after failing because for them, failure is part of a learning process that they enjoy. They believe you get out what you put in; you reap what you sow. They go the distance and they’re in it for the long haul, because they recognize that results take time.
People with fixed mindsets compare themselves to others and either come up short, so they feel “not enough” or they come up on top and feel superior or entitled. Imposter syndrome happens when people with fixed mindsets enter a room full of peers and fear they’ll be found lacking in intelligence, skill or character.
Those with growth mindsets don’t get caught in the comparison trap. They only compare themselves today to their best yesterday. If they are improving and better than before, they are happy, realizing there’s a process to becoming and it’s ongoing. Other people’s success, achievements, and character inspire them to what’s possible, so they continue challenging and developing themselves to become the best version of themselves as possible. Mindset matters, because ultimately, it drives our behavior and responses.
While FaceTiming with a dear friend this week, she asked how I’ve been coping with all that’s going on in my life. The last eight months have been rough for our family. The only way I could think to explain it to her was in the framework of Michael Rosen’s children’s book “We’re Going on a Bear Hunt.” Did you read that one? It’s a family favorite, and like many of our favorites, I read it so many times that I can recall most of it from memory. The book is a mini-study on mindset! “We’re going on a bear hunt. We’re gonna catch a big one. We’re not scared. Uh-uh! It’s a beautiful day!!” The family walk takes them through many obstacles – a grassy field, a river, mud, a forest, snow … through which they say “We can’t go over it. We can’t go under it. Oh no! We gotta go through it!” They go through all the obstacles until they get to a cave, where (lo and behold!) a REAL BEAR is living. They turn and run all the way home (through the obstacles again) with the bear chasing them until they are safe inside their home, leaving the bear outside.
So many life lessons are illustrated in this story. Life is ….
… an adventure and full of surprises.
… going to have obstacles over which we have no control.
… well lived with boundaries, and a plan.
… full of choices in how to respond to the unexpected.
… best navigated with others, in both the adventures and challenges.
In the story, the family decided not to try to get around the obstacles, but to go through each one as it came. They persevered and stuck together. While going through the hardest time of my life, I’m realizing that there’s only one way to navigate what we’re living through, and that’s to go through it (not around it/ under it/ over it … THROUGH it). There was a time in my life that I’d look for the closest escape or the silver lining when times were tough. Worse, I’d use my faith to try and spiritualize a crummy situation for which there was no explanation. Friends, it’s simply not true that “there’s a reason for everything” and if I’ve ever said that to you (because once upon a time I truly believed it), then please forgive me. That’s a lie. Sometimes bad things happen and there’s no reason!
When life is scary … whether it’s because of a diagnosis, a job loss, a crumbling marriage, a child who’s hurting, financial distress, major disappointments or unexpected setbacks … your mindset will shape your response to the situation. It’s okay to be scared. It’s just not helpful to sit in fear. Living life one day and one moment at a time, taking each obstacle as it comes, and working through tough circumstances with loved ones and friends brings comfort and peace.
In the coming weeks, I’ll be looking at mindset, mindfulness, habits and motivation to see how they all connect. Growth mindsets can be cultivated. Scarcity mindsets can be transformed. I’ve learned that often, when things are going well for me, it’s easy to have a growth mindset, but when stressful circumstances come, I tend to revert to old thought patterns and a fixed mindset. The truth is, most of us flip flop from fixed to growth mindset in different areas; we don’t have a growth mindset in every area, all the time. Catching and turning a fixed mindset around as soon as we’re aware of it helps usher in peace instead of panic, and faith instead of fear. Being in community and surrounding yourself with growth-oriented people amplifies a growth mindset. It’s contagious.
Join me next week as I dive into thoughts on mindfulness. Meanwhile, if you know anyone who would enjoy reading about this important topic, please forward this link so they can subscribe!
