Last week, I shared my belief that self-care encompasses the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual care of ourselves. It’s not a luxury, but an essential component of our well-being. Laurie Buchanon, PhD, agrees, saying that “Self-care is a deliberate choice to gift yourself with people, places, things, events, and opportunities that recharge your personal battery and promote whole health — body, mind, and spirit.”
Supportive community is one aspect of self-care that encompasses all of these areas. Because we’ve moved so many times as a family, I’ve learned that supportive community is super important to me. In fact, community is one of my top three core values, and I’m extremely grateful for the support that surrounds us. When things are going well and my community is in place, I don’t give it a lot of thought. But when community is absent, or when I’m facing major challenges, I don’t take my community for granted at all, and I recognize how much I value these relationships. The times that we moved internationally and had the safety net of supportive community removed overnight have been some of the hardest times of our lives. Community doesn’t just happen. It takes time and intentionality. When it’s lacking, I tend to rely on my own self-sufficiency, and might even allow myself to believe the lie that I don’t need people. And maybe even that life is less complicated when I’m more independent. But community is essential for all of us because, as human beings, we are hardwired from birth for genuine connection with others. Without connection, babies experience failure to thrive. As we get older, lack of human connection leads to depression, anxiety, chronic illness, addiction, and more.
People crave love and a sense of belonging, and when we are without it, we suffer. Brené Brown describes belonging as “the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”
Whoa! That puts a lot of things in perspective … I’ve found myself really off course in the past when I’ve tried to fit in and seek the approval of others. I’ve experienced them as the hollow substitutes for true belonging that Brown refers to. And yes, I’ve even experienced those barriers, which, I’ve learned, once up, don’t come down very easily. Sadly, I was in my forties when I became aware of my own lack of self-acceptance. I cared too much what others thought about me to let them see how much I was struggling. I spent way too much time struggling on my own, trying to figure things out and putting up a brave front. The longer I fought for people to see me as having it all figured out, the lonelier and more disconnected I felt. I realized I wanted so much more, and I was short changing not only myself, but my marriage and my family. I wanted so much more for my kids, but without growing myself, I couldn’t model what I wanted for them.
As the saying goes, “You can’t give what you don’t have.”
In other words, if ….
your own level of self-acceptance is low
you’re not able to present your authentic, imperfect self to the world
you lack genuine community yourself
you experience disconnection from people
you feel like you’re wearing a mask and hiding behind perfectionism
… then your ability to create thriving relationships is low. True connection and supportive community in this harsh, increasingly complicated and disconnected world, requires showing up for yourself and showing up for others. Bringing your authentic, imperfect, sometimes messy self to relationships is where true connection has a chance to grow and flourish.
Dr Mark Hyman, author and Chairman of Functional Medicine at the Cleveland Clinic says that “the right community can help you sustain your lifestyle and behavioral changes that are so important for long term success, health, and happiness.”
So, what are some ways you can foster genuine community?
1) Seek it out. Every time we moved, I did the obvious things to find community, such as plugging into the school community, finding and involving myself in a thriving church, spending time with likeminded people and groups who shared our values. Believe it or not, I found it easier to find these communities while living as an expat abroad than when we moved back to the US eight years ago. People in my Connecticut suburb are very busy, and often already have plenty of community, in the form of extended families on their doorstep. I quickly found that it’s easier to befriend people who transplanted to the area like myself (similar to other expats when abroad) to build community.
Several years ago, I realized it was taking longer than usual to establish community. Recognizing how lost I felt without it, I prayed for friends. I don’t know why I didn’t think to do that sooner, but making friends had never been so challenging for me. I asked God specifically for new couple friends for us, for more men friends for my husband, and deeper friendships for me. Friends are for having fun and sharing experiences of course, but I longed for us to develop genuine, authentic relationships with people to share the very real struggles we were experiencing in our marriage, family and personal lives after moving back to the US. Amazingly, six months after that prayer, our entire social life had morphed and gelled in a life giving way. Coincidence? Maybe. But I don’t think so. I think God is all about community and I’m grateful for the gift of community he gave us.
2) Be the change you want to see. It’s so easy to expect the other person to initiate deeper relationship, and to get frustrated and blame them for the lack of depth. Have the courage to take off your own mask, to be vulnerable and see how that transforms your interactions. I once heard “intimacy” defined as “in to me see,” which opened my eyes in a new way to the meaning and possibility of growing in intimacy. Be willing to let safe people into your thoughts and emotional life to see the real you. Notice what happens when you stop caring how others perceive you, and cease striving to be “good enough” in their eyes. Watch how your willingness to be vulnerable draws people closer. You’ll connect on a deeper level with yourself as you grow in self-acceptance, and with others as you grow in trust. Growth is an ongoing process and you’re bound to make mistakes in the process. But the awkwardness is so worth it … resulting in healing and wholeness for yourself and others.
3) Ask better questions. If you want to spark more meaningful conversations, train yourself to ask mindful questions that go deeper than “how are you?” or “how’s your day?” If you genuinely want to know how someone is (and let’s face it, you don’t always!), then ask better questions that require thought on their part. Open ended questions can’t be answered with yes / no/ or one word answers. If you’ve had deep conversations in the past, remember to follow up and ask them to update you from your last talk.
Make sure you stop whatever you are doing and look at them while they’re answering you. Let them experience your full attention. Acknowledge what they say and validate them. There’s no need to “fix” them or give advice. Listening is enough.
4) Find a way to serve others. Serving others feels good, fosters connection, and creates opportunities to grow in compassion and empathy. Compassion and empathy is never just for others. By definition, growing in compassion and empathy is mutually beneficial to ourselves and others. Compassion and empathy are necessary components of self-care and having them in place helps us to keep healthy boundaries around service so we don’t burn out.
5) Have the courage to ask for help. If you’re struggling alone, have the courage to ask someone whose age or experience in the area you’re struggling might benefit you. Older friends have been a real blessing to me as they’ve shared what worked / didn’t work for them and they demystified and normalized otherwise embarrassing or sensitive topics that were difficult for me to raise. In addition, seek out your pastor or experts who specialize in the areas you struggle with most. Involve your friends or create an online community to discuss what you’re learning and grow together with accountability. Some examples:
Feeling distant in your relationship with your spouse? Ask someone whose marriage seems solid how they navigate the ups and downs and stay connected in conflict. Ask: What are some best practices for reconnecting when they’re missing each other?
Dr John Gottman at the Gottman Institute has excellent resources for enriching your marriage and family.
Struggling to relate well to your teen? Ask a friend with older kids what worked and didn’t work for them at various stages.
Brené Brown has a number of books worthy of your time. Daring Greatly or Rising Strong will help you grow personally and in your role as a parent.
Nurturing community takes time and consistency, but the rewards are huge! I’d love to hear in the comments below, what’s the biggest obstacle for you in creating life giving community?
