“What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”
~ Henry Stanley Haskins, Meditations in Wall Street
“Are you having a good summer honey?”
I was making small talk with my 18 year old daughter over dinner and she looked at me to see if I was serious. I swallowed my words as soon they came out, but it was too late. She answered my question with her own: “Are YOU having a fun summer mom?” Touché.
We had so many plans for this summer!! Our daughter graduated from high school and heads off to college in August. Our son will be a college senior in the fall, and we’ve been planning on him joining us for this summer’s travels. Depending on his job situation next year, he may or may not be able to join us, so this feels like a last hurrah for predictable family vacations. My husband has a big birthday in August, just a couple weeks before our 25th wedding anniversary. It’s a BIG summer with so much to celebrate! Last summer we researched, discussed and voted on fun ways to celebrate, including multiple parties and at least one significant trip … to Europe? … Asia? … the Caribbean? The planning is fun, and can be almost as fun as the celebration itself when you’re an Enneagram Type 7 like me and my husband!
But things haven’t turned out the way we planned. We were all blindsided by my husband’s scary diagnosis last fall. Instead of the fun and celebrations we had been planning, this will go down in the books as the summer of chemo. Six rounds. Five days every four weeks. The first half of every month he’s exhausted and has no appetite. The second half of every month he starts regaining energy and appetite just in time for the next round of chemo to begin. Each course gets progressively more difficult than the last. His attitude is amazing, but the cycle is physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually exhausting … and it’s hard for me and the kids to watch. Chemo sucks for everyone involved.
Disappointment when life throws curve balls is real. The difference between what you hoped for and reality can be downright painful. Resilience is a gift, and can be learned, but major disappointments like this aren’t about “bouncing back.” No one ever plans for major disappointments and it’s not possible to mentally prepare for huge setbacks like an unexpected diagnosis, a job loss, a financial setback, a miscarriage, the loss of a loved one or a natural disaster. We can’t live our lives in fear, waiting and preparing for the unspeakable to happen. But these things do happen, all the time. Just look around and you’ll see pain all around you. There’s no avoiding pain and loss in this lifetime. The existence of pain and disappointment is exactly WHY we celebrate big happy milestones when they come our way. Celebrations acknowledge that we don’t take life and these happy occasions for granted. We appreciate and even treasure them. We savor the moments, and desire to share them with others because such important markers are filled with love, life, memories, and hope.
Positivity is important to me, and most of my life I’ve had a habit of putting a positive spin on unhappy circumstances and trying to “fake it til I make it.” Perhaps I believe that it’s possible to convince myself that something is true if I just believe it long or hard enough. But I’ve learned that the first step to creating peace is acknowledging stress and naming painful emotions. Philippians 4:8 says “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think of these things.” Meditating on Paul’s encouragement to think about what is TRUE was a game changer for me. I’m not being called to find a silver lining or figure out a positive spin. The most true thing I can say sometimes is that “this is a really painful time in our lives, and it really sucks for all of us.”
It’s demonstrated throughout all scripture and especially in Psalms that God wants us to be REAL with him. His comfort and peace come after accepting of what is true. Interestingly, the very next verse says, “Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me — put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.” Ahhhhhhh …. this is an enormous relief to me! The internal conflict caused from “faking fine,” even to myself, is painful, and an exhausting drain on my energy. Calling out what I’m actually experiencing and naming the disappointment, sadness and struggle makes space for peace and acceptance to settle in, and for genuine gratitude to take root.
Paul has short and powerful prayers throughout the gospels, and in this season, the most comforting for me is Romans 15:13. I’m praying it encourages you as you read this:
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”
Joy and peace are the fruit of trusting in Him … and trust is a muscle that grows with practice. I’m learning some seasons require more practice than others, and that trusting in anything or anyone else is completely futile. Like Tim Keller so eloquently says: “You don’t know that Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have.”
Do you know someone who would be blessed by reading this article? Please forward this to them today to encourage them that they’re not alone in their disappointment.
